Just standing up, I felt butterflies thrumming against my belly. It surprised me, actually, as I remember feeling profoundly apathetic in the wake of my high school graduation. Now I understand why. High school is child’s play. Everyone should be able to do that. College, on the other hand, however long it takes, remains a highly regarded achievement. It’s still taking me a while to fully feel the impact of that, but it’s there lying in wait, like those butterflies that remain long after the ride is over.

As each graduate shook the president’s hand and collected her degree, I grew closer and closer to the stage, the very pinnacle of my college career. When I finally took my own degree and descended down the ramp off the stage, I felt a surge of joy and displacement that is comparable to the adrenaline induced dazedness one might feel after a roller coaster ride. Did I really just do that? What just happened? What’s to come? My mind raced through all the memories I made there at college, good and bad, an amusement park all its own.

I left the graduation as I’d left the theme park, happy, but exhausted. I can now say with pride that I am officially a graduate of Bryn Mawr College! I certainly enjoyed my time there, for the most part, but that’s enough of roller coasters for now. Now I move on toward the ride back home. And what a ride its been thus far!

If someone had told me at the beginning of this year that within a week of graduation, I would have a guaranteed job offer of any kind, I would have been very skeptical and cleared my mind of such possibilities immediately, despite knowing there was a chance in the internship I’d had only the summer before. That possibility has proven fruitful, and I am now under a six week contract with the small web design firm in Brooklyn that I’d interned with. I started today, and there is potential that this opportunity may continue beyond that date.

I am so humbled and happy to have had this opportunity waiting for me. Now, I’m going to give it the best I’ve got. Hello “real” world. I’m ready. Are you?

Of course, I was in the throes of my thesis, so I didn’t once dare to take the time aside to apply and make this blog more presentable. My focus was to finish the thesis, and to graduate. Now, a week after I handed in my thesis, I am sitting here kicking myself about where I went wrong, missing the deadline by 24 hours because of the way I interpreted the deadline as listed on the website which said to apply “By May 3rd.” Trouble is, it’s clear as day. For the umpteenth time, I failed myself with a lack of proper multitasking. It may have benefited me in this case insofar as I completed the thesis, but ultimately, it cost me a dream opportunity.

Still, I’m not about to let this ruin my other successes for me. Besides, what is a Superwoman without her weaknesses? Implicit in their search for a Head Blogger, is that they will be recruiting for other subordinate positions. And if I’m wrong, well, I am equally excited about a number of other positions that are out there, and this time, I will allow no distractions, academic or otherwise. This is my ray of sunlight, my lead armor. “Yes, I was burned, but I called it a lesson learned.” Thank you Alicia, for continuing to be an inspiration to me, and to countless others, across the globe. I am rooting for you and sincerely hope that you find the best woman (or man) for the job!

My adviser was so happy to see me, and I, likewise. I was not happy to see one particular professor, but I mustered up the courage to say hello to her anyway, especially since she was the one handing out the cake. She uttered quite possibly the phoniest, drawn out “hi” I’d ever heard in my life, but I took my plate and kept on stepping. I was not about to let her ruin my celebration, even though I was guilt tripping myself in the back of my mind thinking that this thesis was not my best work. But that’s all behind me now.

I spoke with the other seniors, especially one who was my neighbor in the time I spent on campus last semester. She actually said she missed me. We didn’t exactly get off on the right foot, so I was glad to hear that. We talked a bit about our lives, and went our separate ways, drunken seniors droning on melodiously behind us. Then, I ran into an old friend at the bus stop, and the world got a little smaller as the girl sitting behind me on the van said she’d attended the same high school.

It’s weird how just as the world is opening up as graduation closes in, it is also shrinking. I guess it’s a little like breathing. Each breath, bringing you closer to death, and life, at the same time. Your lungs expand as your capacity for air shrinks. You exhale, and the reverse occurs. Yeah, life has always been funny that way. I know a lot of people look on graduation with as much heaviness in their hearts as they have happiness, and pride, but given my circumstances, I feel like I am just holding my breath, waiting for the chance to take in that first day of the rest of my life. Only this time, I will breathe in the fresh, clean, sweetly fragrant air that is success.

In the midst of college, I began to feel like I was losing parts of myself to the college lifestyle, to my new friends, and especially, to love. I don’t mean that in a bad way, and by no means do I regret it, but it’s just interesting how the smallest change in perspective makes the world look so radically different, yet not very much has changed at all.

In the time since I’ve given up bemoaning my loneliness, I have gathered a real appreciation for the opportunities solitude has given me to reflect on the things I hold dear in life. For a time I thought I wasn’t all that into drawing anymore, or that my interest in video games was beginning to wane. I’ve begun to realize that as my time constraints have changed, disallowing me to partake of many of my old hobbies, I have often made the claim that I didn’t like it anymore, simply because I didn’t like that I had to give it up in the first place. It’s funny, the psychological tricks we play on ourselves.

Essentially, I’m still the same girl for the most part. I’ve simply grown up here and there, learning little by little as I move along through life. I’m pretty certain that while all the other superficial qualities that make me who I am will change, that much at least will stay the same.

My day didn’t go entirely to waste, however. I visited some friends from town that I hadn’t seen since high school. I went there initially thinking I’d only be there for about ten minutes to a half hour, but it quickly turned into:

• lunch and continuous eating/snacking thereafter,
• talking at length about the chaos that ensued in the years I spent at the Girl’s House as an A Better Chance scholar,
• a tour of the work being done on their house (namely the addition of a kick-ass studio and the merging of the house with the old garage),
• dinner,
• talking at length about atheism (or the [tragic] absurdity of religion),
• withstanding the stench of their gassy pit bull,
• standing outside to get my racing heart rate down (over-caffeinated from drinking two and a half cups of iced tea),
• chatting with a witty neighbor, co-writer of the screenplay of one of my favorite psycho-thrillers,
• making plans to shop for art supplies on Monday,
• and snagging all the junk food they wanted to give me!

So while I wasn’t necessarily productive today, I did have some much needed bonding time with some great friends that I haven’t seen in a while. Did I mention how spoiled/lucky/blessed (oh wait…)/fortunate I am?

I guess what transpired yesterday really weighed much more heavily on me than I thought. Of course, lying in bed didn’t help any. With this trend of poor sleeping habits, I’m begging to realize that with a decline in my productivity, my unhappiness increases. So when I oversleep, I find I lose way more than just a few hours out of the day.

With that, I intend to make this weekend much more productive. I have a film to watch for my thesis, and I want to look into some more books about the historical implications of my project as well. I got some great, mostly positive feedback from my adviser this evening, so I’m feeling much more confident about my work. It’s hard to believe I’m so close to graduation!

That reminds me that I haven’t been able to work on my job applications for a while, so I want to resume my work on that. I have one particular position that I’m really vying for, and I’ve been revising the cover letter like crazy, even though they don’t ask for one.

I want to have my website in better condition soon as well, so I can at least display my competency in design in that capacity. I’ll find some time to work on my freelance project as well. Also, I have just been dying to doodle! Time to put on some jams and sketch!

“Sometimes I wish I didn’t have to feel. While logic tells me it’s no big deal, my heart betrays me and makes the pain real.” Even though I was clearly well aware of the fact that my heart and mind were at war, I completely let my emotions win over. I chose my feelings over logic, my feelings over his. But love is still patient. Love is still kind. Those are the places where I failed most tonight, in patience, and kindness.

Mouse, from The Matrix said, “To deny our own impulses is to deny the very thing that makes us human.” I believe emotions are the most impulsive aspect of humanity. It would be a denial of human nature, my nature, not to acknowledge that both those violent feelings, and their inverse, are there. Yet, humanity is not so two-dimensional. We have been given the gift of reasoning as well. We may be at a stage where the impulse to feel precedes the impulse to think, but I hope we can surpass that one day. For now it starts with me. Sometimes intention precedes meaning. It’s up to me to discern the difference, lest it will be the end of us.