evitae.net

Next year is going to be relatively quiet for me. Tonight was the night that we select our dorms for next year, and while I am certainly happy with my choice, I was upset for quite some time that neither of my friends made it into the same dorm. I’m glad they’ve come to terms with this, and that made me feel a lot better than I did when I was sitting in a room full of strangers, but it still bothers me. Could this mean the end of our friendship?

Senior year is very hard for a lot of people, and considering the fact that we’ve been so distant this year, I expect it to only worsen with the necessity to trek a short distance across campus in order to see each other. Loneliness was a huge problem for me this year, so I don’t know how that’s going to factor in when I can’t just go downstairs and see a familiar face.

Of course, I’ll have to put it out of my mind, because there are much larger things at hand. Next week is the last of classes, and shortly thereafter is finals. I have no exams because as an English major, it makes sense that my finals are all essays. Considering all the writing I’ve been doing, that normally wouldn’t be a huge problem, but the issue is that two of my largest papers are due before the finals period, and there it is absolutely not feasible that I can balance both projects. It’s not like I haven’t been working on them (during the week) but things are only going to get harder from here on out.

With that said, these sporadic updates are certainly going to be more common until mid May. All my creative energies are invested elsewhere as the final crunch comes into play for yet another year. Don’t worry about me though. I’ll be fine. To all of you also taking finals, I wish you good luck. Happy blogging.

The entirety of this week has been an emotional roller coaster. I spend the earlier half of the day cheerful and sociable in classes and at work, but by nightfall, once everyone has retired to their rooms for the night to finish up on homework or to go to sleep, I find myself depressed. If there is anything I regret about not being shy anymore, it’s my newfound dependency on others for company.

Prior to college, it wasn’t often that I was interested in being in a room full of people. Maybe living in a single dorm room isn’t all its cracked up to be, now that this dynamic of my personality has shifted. Whereas before I typically enjoyed being alone, these days I am needy, likely a nuisance to anyone that does not share my necessity for companionship. I finally know how Lauren feels, although that doesn’t offer me any comfort.

If I can’t acquire a healthy balance, this has the potential to take a serious toll on me. I’ve tried so many means of distracting myself, with homework, (not due for a while as I am done with classes for the week) hobbies, and sleep. I spent an hour calling everyone I hadn’t spoken to in a while because there was no one else to talk to. Eventually, these things didn’t seem to work, and after a shower and some tears, here I am.

I know this issue has unveiled itself before, so perhaps there is some trigger, a bigger issue on hand. I was pretty angry when my mother decided she wouldn’t talk to me tonight because she was in a bad mood, but I know she’s moody, and likely reasonably so, considering her emotional state as inspired by my evil sister. I don’t think that’s it. I haven’t been sleeping or eating well lately, so I’m sure that’s affecting me as well.

It’s probably just the culmination of a million little things I’m ignoring, such that being social helps me forget. Honestly, I just don’t know. Hopefully writing this down will help me in the long run, because I’m tired of talking about it, and I doubt people are interested either. This must be where I stop.